A New Venture

Late last year I decided to take a class in counselling. It was something I’d been thinking about for a while so I signed up at Vancouver Community College for a 12 week course – Basic Counselling Skills. I started the course in January and just finished at the end of March. My final assignment was a presentation to the class on the journey I took to get to the class and how that adventure evolved in the 3 months I was studying. I enjoyed the self-reflection a great deal so I decided I would share my presentation here as I felt it followed in the vein of this blog and delved a little below the surface of my very complicated brain. So, here it is, my final presentation. Enjoy!

I should preface this presentation with a disclaimer: I’m a writer at heart so when we were given the choice in how we wanted to format this assignment, a blog post was my default setting. As I read this feel free to imagine scrolling through a WordPress page. You’re experiencing pretty pictures, different fonts, maybe an ad or two flashing in your peripheral vision. Got it? Okay, here goes.

I have anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed several years ago and have worked hard with the help of my doctor, my family and friends to get to what is a really good place in my mental health. At various points throughout this journey I have tried therapy but it never seemed to work for me and I found myself quitting before the therapist thought I was ready. So it kind of seemed counterintuitive when I decided that this was the course I was interested in. One of the things I’ve realized in the past 12 weeks though is that the therapy I was getting was the wrong therapy for me. I would go into sessions all gung-ho that I wanted advice but when I was given advice I would push back because it might play into a guilty conscience or a trigger. But if someone just blindly agreed with me I would get angry because I felt like I always had to be a decision maker and why wouldn’t someone just tell me what to do for a change?

Well there’s a lot to unpack there. Let’s maybe come back to that and explore some of the reasons I’m sitting here today.

Here’s a little secret about me: one of my motivations to look into courses relating to the mind is that I am obsessed…and I mean OBSESSED…with true crime. The aspect of it that fascinates me the most is the inner workings of a criminal’s mind, particularly when it comes to sociopathy and psychopathy. I want to untangle that, I want to understand it. How can someone live a high functioning life as a sociopath and not feel any desire to commit murder, but for others the need to kill pervades their very existence. Understand that I’m not saying that I’m now ready to sit in a room with Denis Rader or Ted Bundy but this course has shown me that I have an affinity for getting to the bottom of things, listening to the underlying message in what a person is saying to me, using non-verbal cues (ah, see, I read the text book!) and putting the pieces of the puzzle together. I’m excited to start re-reading my many books on the subject and see just how much more I can grasp. I can’t wait to listen to John Douglas’ interview with Charles Manson and have a better understanding of the methods he used in getting this complicated and exasperating man to open up.

While my hobby was a driving force in choosing this field of study, real life also demanded that I hone some skills. I’m in a job that requires a lot of counselling on a daily basis. Not only do I coach my staff on how to succeed in their roles but I am also in a position of trust, which brings about a level of intimacy in my interactions. I am not a parent (well, except to my two kittens but they never listen to me when I try to counsel them) so I often struggle to tap into that “helper” mode, one that somehow parents seem to be able to just “do”. Again, not a parent, so it might not be as easy as all that but that’s my perception. When my agents would come to me in tears because of something that happened beyond the four walls of the office I would go into panic mode, wondering why they would come to someone who was just as messed up as they were, if not even more so! As I settled into my new role in a position of relative power, as I considered the people I had to network with, the projects I was in charge of, somehow the most terrifying aspect of it all was being there for the people in my charge. What if I messed things up? What if I made the situation worse? What if…and this was the most terrifying consideration…everyone soon realized that I’m nowhere near qualified to be where I’m at! I mean, my dad always taught me to heavily rely on what he called the BOB theory – Bullshit Over Brains. It’s got me this far, but these are peoples’ emotions we’re dealing with! I can’t just bullshit my way through that!

I am not an educated person. I made the decision to not continue with further education and started working straight out of high school (which was at 16 in England, the last 2 years of high school are optional). It’s always been a part of my life that, while I didn’t regret it because it allowed me to rise in the ranks of my previous career quickly, I have always questioned the decision. I’m not unintelligent, I know that, but I always feel like I am being judged for not having additional schooling. I know that anyone who cares about me couldn’t care less what education I have, but in my journey in my mental health I am gradually coming to the realization that if I’m feeling something, it’s valid. And if I need to action something I action it for me, not for anyone else. So I decided I was in a good place, mentally and emotionally, to start looking at getting education in a field that interested me and where I thought I could do well. This course was the first one that really resonated with me. 

Recently, someone approached me with a personal issue that was affecting him deeply and he was desperate. While nervous to apply my learning, I was proud to be able to assist him, to use the techniques I’ve learned in this class, attending, paraphrasing, advanced empathy, even challenging, to calm him, make him feel less alone and work through the problem to find a solution. That’s what I was looking for when I signed up for this. As someone who struggles with their mental health nothing feels more powerless than when someone reaches out to you, battling something you can immediately relate to but not having any clue how to make things easier to handle.

As yet I’m undecided if I’ll continue studying, as much as I have cherished this experience. My life is busy and fitting classes into my existing schedule has been a struggle. I have no desire to switch careers, I love my job, but I am looking into volunteer opportunities and I’ll see where that path takes me. I strongly feel a need to put into practice what I’ve learned here and I’ll take some time to consider my options. What I do know is that by coming to this class every week since January I’ve found a confidence in my abilities that I have been looking for; I’ve recognized that I have something to offer my agents beyond, obviously, being the coolest and most awesome manager. It’s helped me realize that I can study when I need to and I can explore and develop new skills. I’ve talked through some of my own deepest fears and issues and received valuable and valued help with them, which makes me hopeful I can find the right therapist for me. Who would have thought that someone listening to what I have to say, unravelling what my rambling thoughts really relate to, could be the approach that I needed!

In summary, I am beyond grateful for everything that this course has taught me, not just about counselling as a whole but about myself. I feel I’ll leave this class with a new-found confidence in what I have to offer in my role as a manager, a mentor and a friend. I’ll move forward with a better understanding of my own mental health and the ways I can best manage that. I’ll understand that if I want something I have the ability to go out and get it, to have the discipline and initiative to study a completely alien subject with confidence. So I’ll be a new Stacey after this experience. Not a better one because I liked who I was before this adventure, but a Stacey who is more equipped to deal with what life throws at her, a more well-rounded one and, dare I venture…a happier one.